winryweiss: (Default)
Here comes my take of the irresistible prompt Time Lord Calculus.

Before you embark further, keep in mind that this is going to be series of randomly updated oneshots, ripping off both 'The Adventures of Tintin' and 'Doctor WHO'.
Since I cannot resist. ^.~

Warnings : Crack!fic. (I honestly think so. It just ended up like that.) Slight OOCness. Movie verse. Mildly implied Cuthbert/Bianca.

According to Plan

The problem with Qwerts is not their passionate hate towards humans. No, that should be omitted. After all, this is one of the most occurring characteristic of almost every race all around the Space. For some reasons, totally unbeknown to Doctor and to Professor, most alien civilizations do not like human beings. To be honest, they downright hate human beings. Which is strange, because humans are … just … adorable. Stubborn and selfish, yet kind-hearted and protective at the same Time, able to wipe out own nations in wars, but deeply caring for their loved ones. Yes, Doctor has a weak spot for humans, and so does Professor.
And, as a representative of extinct race of Time Lords, he can afford to have weakness or two. Or dozen. Well, he is not the only Time Lord alive. There’s Doctor who had to believe he is the sole survivor of their race. Unfortunately. Of course they encounter from Time to Time, one can not avoid such a thing when traveling through Time and Space, but Professor is extremely careful not to reveal himself and to disappear as quickly as possible and in all discreteness. Because if he and Doctor would stand face to face, both aware of the fact that they are Time Lords, well … The whole Universe will shatter apart. Or, nothing will happen. That’s the problem with Time continuity and Space paradoxes. No one, not even Time Lords, can tell with 100% sureness what might happen.
But back to the problem with Qwerts! They are extremely mean. In the meaning of unfriendly. Or better say hostile. Very hostile.
And he is the current object of their anger.
Now, it was part of their plan. Not exactly the best plan ever, but they were under Time pressure.
“How about a friendly discussion?” Professor spreads his arm in friendly manner.
Qwerts hissed at him.
“I take it as a ‘No’.”

Milanese Nightingale, they call her. A voice like no one else on Earth. Well, of course! She is not a human. But that shall be better keep as secret. Humans would not react exactly well to a two meter tall creature resembling, more than anything else, snow-white parrot with emerald eyes. Perception filter is great thing.
She adopted the name ‘Bianca Castafiore’ when she started accompanying Professor across Time and Space because it sounds melodious and human. And mostly because humans aren’t capable to say her true name, or the name of her race, without twisting their tongues.
And what travels it were! They went sightseeing to first Carnival of Venice, they befriended Incas, they caused the establishment of Rome, they helped Admiral Nelson in Battle of Trafalgar. They visited opera in 31st century, prevented assassination on Earth President and gained help, support and company of one of the most skilled technologist of that Time, Igor Wagner. Who is very enthusiastic about opera, by the way. He even compounds in his leisure Time. When he’s not arguing with Professor whether TARDIS really needs yet another useful (or not) gadget of some sort. Really, men. They, accidentally, almost ended up burned to death at the stake during witch hunts in 17th century. True, they rescued Irma from such a fate, and she too joined them, so that trip hasn’t been such a catastrophe, but still … Professor’s driving can be quite dangerous sometimes.
But this …
This is a mess.
Bianca watches, with growing disbelief, how the whole banquet turn into something, which could only be called ‘slapstick’. There is a white canine, very likely fox-terrier, chasing after a falcon, who is trying to peck its way into an ancient ship model, a young boy with exceptional quiff of ginger hair who tries (and fails) to solve whole situation diplomatically, a gruff man in sailor clothes fighting with palace guards (by Polaris, they have not the slightest chance against him), and, of course, panicking human beings. It’s almost hilarious.
The ginger boy smacked his head in desperation. Frankly, Bianca wants to do exactly the same thing. Things do not go according to the plan when dealing with Professor.
Never.
You can bet your life on it.

“Don’t make me force to use this!” Professor unsheathed his favourite weapon, the Sonic Pendulum. Qwerts watch with cat-like fascination how it dangles from his fingers and Professor seriously contemplates whether they would be easy to hypnotize.

“We have problem.” Igor looks unfriendly at his PDA, disguised as mere leather notebook.
“Again?” Irma is clutching at him, still insecure in large hysterical crowds.
“Yes. Again.”
“What it is this time?”
He turns at her, knowing that he needs to explain as simple as possible. “The high tone necessary for breaking the device was not produced long enough.”
“So … what are we going to do?”
“We might tr…”
“TINTIN!” A roar of gruff man with sailor hat shouts him down. “Where are you going?!”
“I’m going after Sakharine!” Much younger boy with fiery ginger hair retorts.
“By yourself?!”
“Yes!”
Irma and Igor watch in awe how the ginger matter-of-factly confiscates motorbike and how the sailor knocks out its guard. Using a missile. Then a white dog jumps inside sidecar and they drive away.
“Or, perhaps, we shall let the nature take its course.” Irma suggests.
“Why do I have the feeling that those two are way more dangerous then us?”

It is not the sound Professor expects. No, he look forward to “krchting” and “krachting” of that sensitive evil device breaking apart, thanks to Bianca’s operatic voice, but instead come this.
The sound of … water.
Lots of water. Hectoliters of water, to be precise. Roaring through dungeons underneath Omar Ben Salaad’s palace where Qwerts build their hive.
Where he is currently located.
Why do they even bother with making up a plan?

“How did you escape this time, darling?” Bianca asks while Igor and Irma help Professor up to his feet.
They are under the cover of TARDIS Perception filter, close to the entrance into dungeons. Due to all the ruckus no one would notice Bianca’s absence, especially when her retinue are here as well.
“I’m Professor.” Professor simply states, the simplest answer to any possible question regarding his being.
“You’re wet.”
“And you’re looking more like vulture then like parrot when you are angry.”
Igor and Irma are clever enough to maintain silent during their flirting.
“Really?”
“Yes, my dear. You are so beautiful.”
Bianca merely sighs, flattered by Professor’s compliment.
“So,” Igor checked his PDA. “Shall we go to another Time?”
“I’m not entirely sure whether this would be the best idea.” Professor wrings out his bowler. “Before it all turned upside down and along the stream, Qwerts told me, more or less, that they didn’t get here on their own.”
“Who did bring them here?” Irma asked.
“Well, that I didn’t find out. I tried, but I was interrupted by a remarkable flood. Wonderful improvisation, I daresay. Whom do I own that?”
“Not us.” Bianca smiled mysteriously.
“Oh.” Professor grins at her, problem with Qwerts immediately forgotten. “Does someone interesting dwells in this Time?”
“He’s called Tintin.” Igor resignedly hands his PDA to Professor. “Very interesting boy.”
Professor scans all available information about the ginger reporter. “Very interesting boy indeed. Would you be against if we stay in this Time for awhile longer?”
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February 2013

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